About My Father

It has been decades since he passed away. He left us for too long, way back when I was an innocent  little girl who pretty much thought of the world as a simple as she was. Even the death of a parent was not too impactful at that time. I remember seeing my mother's deep pain, being left with nine children. The tears, the sorrow, the spoken and unspoken sadness as the world collapsed upon us. Months and years of worries on how to pay for school, food, and the roof. 

Ignorance was a bliss for a young girl like me back then, for if I knew what's coming ahead, I probably would crumble into pieces, not having any means to cope. I saw people, I saw relatives, I saw many of them feeling sorry for us, I heard the talk about how young my father was to have died at 48, how the death was so unexpected. Again and again. But I didn't see a great deal of assistance from them. Nothing much to be fair. We were surrounded mostly by people who financially struggled too. Those who weren't, probably stayed away. We were just too much in deep, too many to help. We were all too lost, we did not know where to go and what to do. But we united as a family. 

How ironic it is for now I see that wealthy people keep on getting gifts and stuff that they do not need while for certain they could afford buying those stuff themselves while poor people barely get anything for free. Irony. Financially helpless people hang around the same kind and when they are in trouble, in most cases, their companies are either aren't willing or aren't able to help. Life is never fair since, I'd like to say here, the beginning of time. Poverty sometimes destroys people but in many it could fire up people in being the best they possibly could. 

Back to my father. The truth is I hardly knew him. I can only remember bits and pieces of my interactions with him, but I can't confidently say if those are my real memories of him or the memories that I retained from being fed by my older siblings.

He was the reason of my presence in this beautiful yet complicated orb. I could not change the number of years he spent with me, with us and with the world, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try. He left way too soon, before color tv became a norm in every household. Before computer and mobile phones become common words among  most people. Before the Internet and the wifi take over the world. He left before learning that Facebook could hurt but also benefit human kind. He left without seeing how extraordinary his children and grandchildren grew up to be, how they survive pains and suffering the world and people cause and how they go through the joys and happiness in life. 

I don't know him well, I don't him much, but this day, as I am sitting on the plane taking me to Shanghai from Singapore, sitting next to my best friend in this planet, I really want to take my time to remember him. Whatever he left behind, it is up to us to make something or nothing out of it. 

I am grateful for the amount  and for what he left. People might think that he practically left nothing much behind. But for me, the little thing he left gave me a strong drive to be better than best in every single thing I do. It could backfire at times as I am always my hardest critique and I am not forgiving of my mistakes. 

But dad, rest in peace. 

About Old Thought

Do not judge or you too, will be judged. Matthew 6:24.

If you look it from the outside point of view, you would probably think, how pitiful. She's all alone, where are her children? How could her children leave her alone?

Now, wait a minute, do not judge too quickly. In fact do not judge at all, for you do not know the whole situation. I know that the truth is so hard not too judge, our brain seems to process immediately of what we see and makes something out of what we see, read or hear. So I suppose there's good judging and bad judging and it can be quite difficult to differentiate.

I have lived long enough in this orb, more than 88 years altogether. I have gone too many ups and down in life to count and I am still here.  I survived through .  I spend most of my days alone and that is my choice, it is what I want.  I like to live in this house where I am staying, whether alone and with more people in the house.  I do have to depend on others to take me out, my sole transport vehicle has been stripped off  from me after I got into an accident that left me with stitches. To be fair, it was a kid bike and I got hit by a car.

Don't judge me or the situation too quickly yet. I have a large family and most of them care deeply about me. To begin with, my husband passed away nearly 25 years ago. I have 9 adult children, all are married with 23 grandchildren in total, many of which are married with children too. There are close to 20 great grandchildren I have.  I probably haven't seen some for years, I see many more regularly. Yes, it's a huge family that I have and what an irony life is that I do not see them much.  I do not see much of those who live in the same time as well. Everyone is always busy with something. Some of my children from out of town do come and pay me a visit whenever they have time. My siblings are around here too.

I have to live with my one of my sons, that's the way it should be according to Chinese tradition. I understand that the others can't move in with me or near me and are not expected to do so, because they have family and commitments. Serious commitments that can't easily be altered.  Most of them live in different cities. They have family and jobs, therefore they have responsibilities, that's the way they should be. They want me to stay with them, temporarily or permanently. Unfortunately, these arrangements are not things that I view as best at the moment.  I believe this is the best possible way for all. Irregardless how little this happiness is and how worry my caring children are of me staying mostly alone.

Don't think that I am lonely, I am a firm believer of being alone is not the same as being lonely. There are people are that are surrounded by many and yet the loneliness remains in their heart. You can find peace and serenity when you are on your own. People, whether they are family or not, can be a nuisance, a distraction, an annoyance. People can be so persistent with what they think and believe in that sometimes can be damaging in relationship. I am healthy and am able to do many things myself and that should be respected.

As life goes on, like everyone else I continue this traveling in life.

Thursday, 1AM

I could file a police report, technically.

A note to myself: baked figs with Gorgonzola and walnut.

Ugh. Really. How many more times I have to ask? How many more ways I have to remind them? How long do I have to wait? 

Yup, not even a minute can be spared for the ones that have helped them. 

Pandan waffles. Banana with PB with crepes. 

It's so wrong that I communicate a lot more with my Insta friends than with the people that should care about me. Yikes.

How did all get me "here"? 

Poor and alone, I am not. 

Blue skies, falling leaves, boots. 

Shanghai, it's been a while. 

Ocean, water, sand, white beach. Laughter and smiles. I miss. 

Abandoned. Uncaring bunch. Used. Anger. 

Journey. 

Thursday, 1AM

I could file a police report, technically.

A note to myself: baked figs with Gorgonzola and walnut.

Ugh. Really. How many more times I have to ask? How many more ways I have to remind them? How long do I have to wait? 

Yup, not even a minute can be spared for the ones that have helped them. 

Pandan waffles. Banana with PB with crepes. 

It's so wrong that I communicate a lot more with my Insta friends than with the people that should care about me. Yikes.

How did all get me "here"? 

Poor and alone, I am not. 

Blue skies, falling leaves, boots. 

Shanghai, it's been a while. 

Ocean, water, sand, white beach. Laughter and smiles. I miss. 

Abandoned. Uncaring bunch. Used. Anger. 

Journey. 

Another Day.. Some Thoughts

It's another hazy day that I woke up to again for way too many times. I had very little sleep although my flu seemed to have gone away, most of them at least. There's quietness around me and I felt obliged to start my day. My appetite for coffee was not back yet, a sign that I am not quite there in terms of health.

For some people, another day is another worry, another problem. For me that's only true too at times, but some existing problems do not go away, they linger on and bug us like itch. The same people with the same problems continue making their problems as ours. And we continue being unable to cut them out of our life.  And we continue trying to help. And we continue being upset because everything has to be their terms. And life goes on. Life continues with its complexities, many of which can not be understood by them.

People, many of them are the ones have not lived long enough on this earth and gained enough life experiences and think they know a lot of things and believe that the opinion of the people that raise them, do not matter because now they wings and they can fly. But they are so overwhelmed by the many things that adults must be responsible for. Some of them simply quit and travel, some of them start blaming others for what they want in life, and accusing them of trying to force them to do certain things.  Funny, huh? I will add strange too. They then begin their quest in finding happiness.

Now. You raise your children to wear blue, black and white as colors of their clothing. After meeting a certain someone and his family, she wears purple and orange. Are you trying to be rebellious or are you that gullible?

And the haze continues blanketing the city.

How about..

I am nobody's last resort, I am someone's first priority.

Saturday morning, on another hazy day. Now that I am back from my short holiday and you know that, how about asking me how the holiday went. It's fine that you did not wish me a safe journey, I know you don't have me in your mind because you are simply busy with your own life and these days, you don't need me for anything much other than being here and continue existing.

How about stop saying that I am doing negative things to the relationship when I ask how things are and tell you to regularly update me with what's going on in your life and how I feel it is appropriate that you show care about my life?

This relationship has become so imbalanced, with me constantly share the stories of my life with you and you hardly share anything. You constantly disappear and only appear when you need something from me.  Communication is a two way street and so is relationship. It is always about give and take, more or less the same amount. It's about being there in sadness and happiness.  If I want a one way relationship, I'd write a blog post like this, without any expectations that people will write back. When I write to someone directly, it is only right to expect some responses.

Do not think that I am leading a lonely life because my life revolves around so few people now! It's better to have few friends than thousands of acquaintances.
Do not think that I am needy because I need to hear from you! Caring about someone that is closely related is not needy, caring about someone that you know for a long time is not pathetic.  It's too bad that you think otherwise.

Don't believe that love is conditional, even the love from your parents or your spouse.  You need to know that if you constantly treat the ones that love you like they don't matter, even if there were your parents, you could simply forget about being loved. Everyone might leave you.  Everyone could leave you to a better place.

People are smart enough to spend time with those who make them happy and better and do not want to waste time on things that are miserable and bring negativity. Life is too short, babe! Everyone wants to be happy.

How about you learn to genuinely care about the people that have been crucial in life? #gratitude

About Marrying

Don't marry a man who doesn't love his mother and a woman who hasn't been a good daughter.

by unknown

A quote I read today.