About My Father

It has been decades since he passed away. He left us for too long, way back when I was an innocent  little girl who pretty much thought of the world as a simple as she was. Even the death of a parent was not too impactful at that time. I remember seeing my mother's deep pain, being left with nine children. The tears, the sorrow, the spoken and unspoken sadness as the world collapsed upon us. Months and years of worries on how to pay for school, food, and the roof. 

Ignorance was a bliss for a young girl like me back then, for if I knew what's coming ahead, I probably would crumble into pieces, not having any means to cope. I saw people, I saw relatives, I saw many of them feeling sorry for us, I heard the talk about how young my father was to have died at 48, how the death was so unexpected. Again and again. But I didn't see a great deal of assistance from them. Nothing much to be fair. We were surrounded mostly by people who financially struggled too. Those who weren't, probably stayed away. We were just too much in deep, too many to help. We were all too lost, we did not know where to go and what to do. But we united as a family. 

How ironic it is for now I see that wealthy people keep on getting gifts and stuff that they do not need while for certain they could afford buying those stuff themselves while poor people barely get anything for free. Irony. Financially helpless people hang around the same kind and when they are in trouble, in most cases, their companies are either aren't willing or aren't able to help. Life is never fair since, I'd like to say here, the beginning of time. Poverty sometimes destroys people but in many it could fire up people in being the best they possibly could. 

Back to my father. The truth is I hardly knew him. I can only remember bits and pieces of my interactions with him, but I can't confidently say if those are my real memories of him or the memories that I retained from being fed by my older siblings.

He was the reason of my presence in this beautiful yet complicated orb. I could not change the number of years he spent with me, with us and with the world, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try. He left way too soon, before color tv became a norm in every household. Before computer and mobile phones become common words among  most people. Before the Internet and the wifi take over the world. He left before learning that Facebook could hurt but also benefit human kind. He left without seeing how extraordinary his children and grandchildren grew up to be, how they survive pains and suffering the world and people cause and how they go through the joys and happiness in life. 

I don't know him well, I don't him much, but this day, as I am sitting on the plane taking me to Shanghai from Singapore, sitting next to my best friend in this planet, I really want to take my time to remember him. Whatever he left behind, it is up to us to make something or nothing out of it. 

I am grateful for the amount  and for what he left. People might think that he practically left nothing much behind. But for me, the little thing he left gave me a strong drive to be better than best in every single thing I do. It could backfire at times as I am always my hardest critique and I am not forgiving of my mistakes. 

But dad, rest in peace. 

About Old Thought

Do not judge or you too, will be judged. Matthew 6:24.

If you look it from the outside point of view, you would probably think, how pitiful. She's all alone, where are her children? How could her children leave her alone?

Now, wait a minute, do not judge too quickly. In fact do not judge at all, for you do not know the whole situation. I know that the truth is so hard not too judge, our brain seems to process immediately of what we see and makes something out of what we see, read or hear. So I suppose there's good judging and bad judging and it can be quite difficult to differentiate.

I have lived long enough in this orb, more than 88 years altogether. I have gone too many ups and down in life to count and I am still here.  I survived through .  I spend most of my days alone and that is my choice, it is what I want.  I like to live in this house where I am staying, whether alone and with more people in the house.  I do have to depend on others to take me out, my sole transport vehicle has been stripped off  from me after I got into an accident that left me with stitches. To be fair, it was a kid bike and I got hit by a car.

Don't judge me or the situation too quickly yet. I have a large family and most of them care deeply about me. To begin with, my husband passed away nearly 25 years ago. I have 9 adult children, all are married with 23 grandchildren in total, many of which are married with children too. There are close to 20 great grandchildren I have.  I probably haven't seen some for years, I see many more regularly. Yes, it's a huge family that I have and what an irony life is that I do not see them much.  I do not see much of those who live in the same time as well. Everyone is always busy with something. Some of my children from out of town do come and pay me a visit whenever they have time. My siblings are around here too.

I have to live with my one of my sons, that's the way it should be according to Chinese tradition. I understand that the others can't move in with me or near me and are not expected to do so, because they have family and commitments. Serious commitments that can't easily be altered.  Most of them live in different cities. They have family and jobs, therefore they have responsibilities, that's the way they should be. They want me to stay with them, temporarily or permanently. Unfortunately, these arrangements are not things that I view as best at the moment.  I believe this is the best possible way for all. Irregardless how little this happiness is and how worry my caring children are of me staying mostly alone.

Don't think that I am lonely, I am a firm believer of being alone is not the same as being lonely. There are people are that are surrounded by many and yet the loneliness remains in their heart. You can find peace and serenity when you are on your own. People, whether they are family or not, can be a nuisance, a distraction, an annoyance. People can be so persistent with what they think and believe in that sometimes can be damaging in relationship. I am healthy and am able to do many things myself and that should be respected.

As life goes on, like everyone else I continue this traveling in life.